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11 giugno The Spovie... At Last!!!...... NOT!!!!FIRST OF, I'd like to congratulate & thank my co-director for sticking with me throughout the spovie & not running off to some corner of the world & cutting all contact & ditching me....
NOW, I shall post whatever I've done with the spovie...
MEETING WITH THE SCRIPTWRITER
(P - Prick, M - Mystique/Pixie, S - Scriptwriter)
P - Yes. So, you have the story for the spovie ready as yet? S - Yes saar. It’s a very thrilling story. M - What? We had specifically asked for a thrilling, action, romance, comedy, suspense story. Anyway, let us see what you have got.
S - Ok. See. It's very simple. There is a policeman hero & the hero likes the villain's girlfriend. The villain's girlfriend likes the hero's brother. The heroine of the movie falls in love with the chimney sweeper who is not exactly a chimney sweeper but used to belong to a very rich family & is also the villain's long lost twin brother. The hero's sister falls in love with the villain when he captures her & chains her up. After all that, the mother of the hero actually turns out to be in the wanted list by Interpol because she is a drug smuggler & she supplies drugs to underage kids. She is also the birth mother of the villain due to an accident that took place under the effect of cocaine. The villain's birth mother used to work in the household of the villain as a servant. The villain's father is a drunkard & dates the young pretty girlfriends of the villain. I've come so far with the script. I'm still thinking of a good climax scene. Now all I need to think of is something nobody would expect!!
P - You know? I have the PEREFCT climax scene. In the end of the movie, we'll kill two people. How does that sound?
S - Oh Yes!! We have to mysteriously kill someone. But WHO?
M - The TWO DIRECTORS. We'll be dead anyway trying to direct a such a shitty script like this. You're fired!
P - Get Outta here!!
S - What? You don't like it? Thank God I have another script here. Let me just open it &...
P - Nooo!! I cannot take this nonsense anymore. Die!! Damn You Evil!! Die!!
*BANG*
M - Oh My God!! You Killed Him!!!! ...... Phew!! Thank god! Good job co-director.
P - Thanks... Now let us see how bad the other script was. (reading) ...... Well. This is excellent work!! Man!! Now I feel guilty for shooting him. Here take a look at this...
M - (Reading) Man!! This is some good shit. Damn! If only we hadn't killed him.
S - (Spitting blood) I'm ... Still ... Alive ... I ... Can ... *cough* Help ... With ... Spovie ...
*BANG* *BANG*
P - Did u hear anything? M - Me? No. I heard nothing! P - So... Shall we say this was our story? M - Of course!! Let us get started at once...
After paying off the cops & getting a couple of spot boys to bury the body, the directors got off to a BRILLIANT start!!
INTRO: This spovie has been written, produced, directed & ruined by Mehnaz & Arvind.. A Malayalee & a Tamilian... & if ur looking for excellent hindi dialogues that you could use to show off or impress chicks (God Forbid!), you might as well look for Bobby Deol in ur bathroom... Wait a Second!! What's HE doing in there??
Ahem.... Moving on...
Directors Prick & Pixie will henceforth be referred to as Pr & Pi respectively plainly coz I'm too friggin tired to write the full names every time... Now moving on with the shoot
DAY 1: 6:30 a.m (reporting time): The amateurs arrive in full style to find the place empty except for an old lady muttering inaudible curses while cleaning the set...
DAY 1: 1:00 p.m: Arrival of the directors... Armed with a slew of producers, music directors, writers, make-up artistes, choreographers (dance masters), light boys, spot boys, stuntmen, dancers, technicians, the idiot who says 'take 1... take 2... etc. & a horde of other ppl nobody knows who just came for the complimentary afternoon Biryani...
DAY 1: 3:00 p.m: After a good meal & a long afternoon nap, the cast & crew gather for the grand 'Puja' to invoke the blessings of the thousands of Hindu Gods to ensure smooth & successful filming. The priest is of course offered a pittance of Rs. One Lakh for his services...
DAY 1: 4:00 p.m: The equipment for the shoot is blessed by the priest & an industrial shipment of coconuts & pumpkins arrive to be broken in front of each & every piece of equipment right from the camera to the director's chair...
DAT 1: 5:00 p.m: The directors scream "It’s a wrap! We'll assemble tomorrow", leaving the scene in full splendour in their respective spanking new cars. The remaining cast & crew make their way back to their homes, to their wives, to their mistresses & their three little charming illegitimate kids...
Amateur actor 1: WAIT!!!! WTF just happened here? Wasn't I supposed to act?? & I was asked to report at 6 in the friggin morning & everyone arrives late afternoon. & To top it all, there was NO shooting done today. Where in this crazy messed up world does anything like this happen?
Spot Boy 1: Haan Ji (Yes Sir)... Welcome to Bollywood. Enjoy!!
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Yes... Welcome one & all to the filming of the new Bollywood blockbuster.
Bollywood!! A crazy film industry where; 1. There is too much attention to detail... (Especially with respect to psychedelic bright colours) 2. Time flies by as slow as a very old couple attempting to make love... 3. Shooting periods have to last a minimum of 1 year... 4. Everyone on the set or related to someone on the set has an attitude problem... 5. The objective of editing is strictly optional & thus giving viewers movies that run for a minimum of 5 hours... 6. Family values are to be respected at all times throughout the movie... 7. Over-acting is an added advantage... 8. To sum it all up, The main objective is to make absolutely meaningless films with plenty of teasers (often misleading the people) & provide the public something to waste their money over while the makers of the movie reap HUGE profits & imbibe an ephemeral feeling that they're the BESTEST in the world..
The Official Filming of M.M.B.K.K.D.P.K.W.K.K.P.A.K.K.B.C.L
CAST & CREW: (To facilitate recognition of the actors by readers)
Directors: Prick - Pr Pixie - Pi
Cameraman: Viking - Vi
Actors: Hero No.1 - Brian Hero No.2 - Peregrinus Heroine - Deepika Villain - Deepak (Dee-Pack) Villain's Sidekick - BingoChubb (Sandeep) Villain's Cook - Bhawna (Yes... We know you HATE cooking) Twin Brother No.1 - Hawk Twin Brother No.2 - Falcon (Well... Two bird-brained... errr... birds... You HAVE to be related... :P) Twin Brother's Grandma - Sups Ghost In Love With Grandma - Horus Suicide Foil Case - Jitendar Saan Psychopath Killer - NC (Silent Sufferer) Item Number Chick - Neha... ;) Lounge Owner - Ekta Old Desperate Lady - Mosquito Swatter Censor Board Officials - Wackypals, Flashes Of Light & Arcopol Chaudhuri
Any corrections in spelling mistakes in ur respective names will NOT be tolerated... Coz I'm just too lazy to sit & edit ANYTHING here...
1ST SCENE!!!!
Pi: (Spitting paan juice on the spittoon held dedicatedly by her assistant & barring decayed teeth stained crimson) Abbey! When the fuck are you going to start the shooting?
Pr: As soon as you actually HELP me with the spovie instead of gallivanting across the world...
For all of the readers... Thank You..
& GOOD BYE!
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